A Letter

Sometimes even the greatest love isn’t enough to help someone. Sometimes, their love isn’t enough, and the pain is just too dark. My husband is a great example of this. I know he’d do anything for me– he has proven that time and time again. Sometimes, though, I’d trade that love for understanding. I don’t want anyone to feel the pain I sometimes feel, but there is often a part of me that wishes he could actually see through my shell and really, truly understand how dark the darkness sometimes gets.

This is to all the spouses, friends, and loved ones out there. Maybe this will help you understand why your wife, husband, son, daughter, sibling, or friend acts the way they do. Maybe this will make you take a step back and think about the things you can never fully grasp. The things you couldn’t possibly understand unless you were in that dark room alone with us.

• Every time you raise your voice, my mind and body immediately go into a flight or fight mode. It doesn’t matter if you are actually outright yelling or just scolding someone. If you raise your voice, my mind retreats to the past. My body goes into protective mode, and usually I will dissociate as a way to protect myself. I don’t do it deliberately, and it’s not something I can control.
• As soon as you yell or attempt to argue with me, if I feel threatened I will automatically shut down. It’s not that I don’t want to talk to you about whatever it is that we are arguing about. I physically CANNOT talk to you. My mind goes somewhere safe. It’s been a protection mechanism of mine for as long as I can remember. I don’t do it deliberately. I don’t do it to try to piss you off more. My mind puts me somewhere that is safe. And if you keep trying to talk to me? I just go further away. Deeper into the numbness, where I don’t have to feel. You tell me to talk… but I can’t. You think I’m just being difficult and don’t want to talk to you, but I actually literally can’t produce words. I will myself to talk to you but nothing comes out. So I stare off into space, just wanting the whole situation to end. It won’t end until you back off. So please, when I cover my ears or shake or tell you to please just stop– you need to stop. The more you push, the more I will protect myself and retreat.
• Something simple for you isn’t simple for me. My body is constantly on edge. Waiting for the moment in fear. Normal everyday tasks is easy for you, but it can be overwhelming for me because my body is in a constant state of fear.
• You want to save us, but you can’t. Don’t tell me I’m moody or ask me what my “deal is”. My deal is that I hold everything bottled in every single day, and when it comes out it comes out in pieces. My frustration isn’t with you. I’m frustrated with myself. I’m frustrated because I can’t get through the day without doubting my ability as a parent, as a friend, as a wife…the list goes on. I’m frustrated I can’t go a day without a flashback. My frustration may come out as being frustrated with you, but I’m really just frustrated with myself…and with life.
• Don’t tell me to just get over it. I’ve been trying to. Do you think I like feeling this way? My body DOES NOT let me forget. So quit telling me to just get over it.
• Give me a hug. I won’t ask for you for one because I don’t want to seem needy. Sometimes, I feel so incredibly alone and just want human contact to know that I’m alive. And I’m not talking about the oh, good to see you, half hug, half pat on the back. Stand up and give me a real hug. Hold me. Embrace me. Tell me that you are there. Let me fit into your arms and know that if only for that one moment…I’m safe, I’m wanted, and I’m loved.
• I say I’m sorry because no matter what the situation is, I will always feel like I did something wrong. Even if you tell me I did nothing wrong, I will continue to apologize and seek the reassurance because it keeps cycling in my head until I can finally calm myself down.
• If I’m sleeping, let me sleep. Chances are if I’m sleeping it’s one of the few restless hours of sleep I have gotten. If you hear the bath at 3am, or if you hear me walking around aimlessly, or tossing and turning at 4am… don’t tell me to just lay down and close my eyes. Don’t act like I’m deliberately just not going to sleep. I’d give anything to lay down, close my eyes, and just fall asleep as quickly as you do. My brain doesn’t shut off. My body is triggered every time I close my eyes and lay down. It’s not as simple as just “laying down and falling asleep”. So when I’m actually sleeping, please just let me sleep.
• If I try to push you away, become distant, or try to sabotage our relationship (or friendship), I don’t mean to. I do it because some sick part of my brain is telling me that I deserve to be alone. I do it to try to prevent YOU from leaving me first. In my eyes, nobody stays. So, I try to push people who care about me away so I don’t have to feel the pain or rejection of you leaving me.
• I tend to be a very negative person. I’m constantly waiting for something “bad” to happen. I live in the past and constantly have to fight the negative messages and images that are in my brain. It takes a lot of energy to fight that negativity, so usually the negativity just wins. Don’t take it personally…it’s just that sometimes I get consumed with the negativity and can’t find a way out of it.
• If I forget conversations we’ve had, or forget things you’ve said to me, it’s truly not because I’m not interested in what you had to say. It’s called dissociation, and it is a very REAL thing. I try to stay present as much as I can be but often times, especially if it’s in a social situation, I may “seem” like I’m present, but my mind is usually elsewhere. I tend to robotically go through the motions. Usually, I’m not actually listening or remembering anything you say. I don’t even know I’m doing it until someone mentions something to me that I have no recollection of ever talking about. It’s embarrassing for me. In stressful situations that coping mechanism is usually what comes to the forefront because it’s something that has protected me since I was younger. Often times, you may find me staring off into space. It’s not because I don’t care or that I’m bored. It’s just a way of calming my mind when it feels like it’s ready to explode.
• I like to isolate. It’s easier for me to be alone than having to socialize. It takes a lot of energy to be around people I don’t know. After a situation or “weekend” of social or high stress interaction, I often come home and am completely drained. Meaning, completely drained to the point where it’s hard for me to even lift a hand. The energy has been completely zapped. So, I don’t mean to avoid you… it’s just easier for me to disconnect.
• I don’t take compliments well. If a stranger compliments me, I automatically fear the worst. I will usually say a quick thank you and then walk quickly to my car looking around for my safety points, convinced that the stranger is a threat to my safety. If someone I know compliments me (in person, not through social media or a computer)… I am extremely uncomfortable. I may come across as unappreciative or ungrateful, but that’s not the case. I cycle back to there has to be a hidden meaning, and I start to wonder all the things that the person really meant by saying what they did. Compliments make me uncomfortable, perhaps because they make me vulnerable.

Hopefully someone reads this and can relate… and maybe even realize that their way of thinking isn’t so “crazy” after all.

It’s called complex PTSD and it’s a disease. It isn’t something I chose. It isn’t something I would wish upon anyone. It certainly plays an important role in the way I act and the way I think, but it does not define me. Although some days I feel like it does.

Be Brave. Be Strong. Be You.

XOXO,

WILLIS